Nader Much Funnier Than Huckabee

Ralph Nader is right. If the Democrats cannot win this one in a landslide, they should close down. Gosh, it sure is great to have old Ralph back in the race. His curmudgeonly-old-crank demeanor and rumpled, ill-fitting suits will be a welcome compliment to Hillary’s ridiculous smile and point routine and custom-tailored power-suits. Same thing for Obama’s dramatic earnestness and McCain’s tough-but-fair granddad thing.

Huck(abee) has been my favorite presidential candidate since Kucinich dropped out, mostly because of the cartoonishness. His suits are off-the-rack. They fit him very well, but not because he has had them made or even altered. They fit him because he has the all-American body type that off-the-rack suits are made for. He doesn’t believe in evolution and he is prone to strip down to shirtsleeves, strap on an electric bass and rip off Boston’s “More than a Feeling”, despite the fact that the band has asked him to stop using their song to promote an agenda that they find abhorrent. He honestly believes that we should have God rewrite the constitution and his wife is an ace with a shotgun. The two of them have a lake in Hope, Arkansas named after them. His middle name is Dale. He is proud of the fact that he believes the world is only 6000 years old, and he wants to be president. That would be freekin’ hilarious.

That’s why I was for Huck.

Now that Nader’s in, I have to change allegiances. He’s much funnier than Huck. Especially now that he has begun to turn into Columbo. Actually, he’s more like a muppet version of Columbo. His stringless marionette stature must be a clothier’s worst nightmare, since it is impossible even to custom-make clothes that fit it.

Many of history’s most hilarious individuals were called Ralph. There’s Malph, Wiggum, Waldo Emerson… and now Nader. Democrats still call him a spoiler, claiming that he gave Florida to Bush. They are just jealous because they aren’t all that funny. Nader, on the other hand, is milk-through-the-nose funny. Plus, he didn’t spoil anything. Florida was given to Bush by the Supreme Court. Besides, these days our electoral procedures and machinery are so completely fucked, the election itself starts off spoiled.

We might as well vote for the funniest candidate. That’s Nader. Check out some Nader humor:

“Dear President Bush:

I was listening to your address before the self-described Conservative Political Action Committee gathering in Washington, D.C. last week, while reviewing materials on occupational hazards in the workplace.”

The funny part is that he actually was listening to Bush’s address while reviewing materials on occupational hazards in the workplace. This one’s even funnier:

“Controlling what is now corporate capitalism in all its varieties and contradictions is the task of organized civic values, law and order, quality competition, shareholder power over executives, consumer information, judicial remedies, and environmentally benign technologies. These checks, along with self-restraint by businesses (out of what used to be called "enlightened self-interest"), are needed to keep capitalism in its proper place so that a democratic culture can flourish toward the greater purposes of life for present and future generations.”

Democratic culture… hilarious. Organized civic values, self-restraint by businesses… this guy is pure comedy. Did I mention he looks like a Muppet Columbo?!?